Status Updates: The Quandary

What the hell is the big deal with men and having a status of "In a relationship" on a social networking profile? If you're a woman you know what I'm talking about and if you're a man you are going "What the hell is the big deal with WOMEN and a status on a social networking profile?" (You men always turn it around like that… now deny it!) If you've dated anyone before who had Facebook/Myspace/Whatever it's always (at least for me) been an awkward thing… so when do I put "in a relationship"? Is it after you have had "the talk"? Apparently not because few things are more uncomfortable than putting "in a relationship" on your profile and having that not be "accepted" on their end. I mean DAMN! So you introduce me to your parents, grandparents, cousins, and all of your friends as your girlfriend but god forbid your Facebook page say "in a relationship". So whatever, I get past these things. It's something I'm coming to accept… guys are idiots. Whatever. Cool.

But what really just REALLLY drives me crazy is these crazy bitches that say "I don't care." Oh fuck you, honey - you know damn well that you care. I just want to slap everything about them! Do NOT give me that "I'm cool" shit. That's like the girls that my boyfriend's roommate walks all over. These poor idiot girls (I'm not saying I've never been one of them) will say that they "know the deal" with him. That they know he's screwing around and they just don't care because they just want to "have fun". Oh puuuuhhhhlease. It's only about 3 weeks before they're calling me going, "I don't want to make things awkward or weird or anything but…." BUT… This is when they wanna know where he's been, who's he's been hooking up with (not that they care or anything), and what I've got going on that weekend (In hopes of an accidental run in? Oh no never!). It's transparent and crap. Where was I? Oh yeah, these bitches who say it doesn't bother them to not be "in a relationship". Really? Then it shouldn't bother you that everyone calls you a whore either. Oh snap! They should have a status for these types of girls called "deranged".

Before I forget, I just can't stand Facebook snobs (a.k.a. Myspace snobs). These are folks that claim to never check their page because they are too busy and just don't have time for silly things like that. If that's the case, asshole, then why do you even have a page? Like what the fuck is up with that hypocritical bullshit? Why do you have the application downloaded to your phone? Don't act like you are above social networking. I mean, yeah, it can be downright juvenile at times, but let's be real here, it's fun and pretty much part of our culture now. Man i tjust pisses me off when people will roll their eyes about these sites and sure enough open an account within a year! Then, once they have the account they claim to never use it. Yawn, I want to delete you now for wasting my time with your pretentious crap! Anywho, I must really be off so I can be too busy pretending not to post to my blog, check facebook or myspace, and in general be cooler than everyone else. Pshaw!

How was my weekend? Go to hell!

I can't take it anymore… It's unbearable. Why?????????????? Why do I have to endure this? For me… being asked "how was your weekend" is synonymous to Chinese water torture. I do not want to tell you about my weekend. And likely, you do not want to know about my weekend. What you WANT is for me to ask you how YOUR weekend was. And this dear idiotic friend is NOT something I care about, ever cared about, and frankly EVER wants to care about. It does not interest me. I do not want to know about how you rented the movie "Garden State" and isn't that Zach guy just so funny? And you saw him on the show Scrubs and he's just hysterical really. And then how you went to bed early Friday night because it was going to be such - SUCH a busy Saturday. So then you woke up Saturday and oh you know, you went to Home Depot because you are really trying to do some nice renovations and repaint the house and do I want to see the colors you have picked out? And then your parents were coming over to meet your boyfriend and you for dinner and so first you had to vacuum the house and you accidentally vacuumed up your earring and oh it took you forever to figure out how to get that out of the vacuum and THANK GOD for your fabulous boyfriend who knows how to tear open a vacuum bag! So like then anyways, your parents came over and dinner was so good but not as good as the last time you cooked roasted lamb and then you had 3 glasses of wine oh my gosh and went to church on Sunday and then had to help your best friend lick 250 wedding invitations and blah blah blah blah… Kill. Me. Now.

I don't want to hear this. I do not care. Why do they torture me? Why? Why? I am going to start telling people my weekends in vivid detail. I wonder if they will quit asking me how my weekend was. Hi, Eli…how was your weekend? (As they stare at me expectantly… begging me with their eyes to ask about their weekend)

OH HOW WAS MY WEEKEND??? I'M SOOO GLAD YOU ASKED! Wellll, first I left work and went straight home to change into something that I just KNEW would drive "the guy I'm dating" wild… really low cut top and these super tight jeans! (Because I really want him to just want me so baaad tonight you know??! I mean hopefully this will convince him to be like we are boyfriend/girlfriend instead of just "dating" you know???) So then I went to the bar and proceeded to drink entirely way too much - I'd tell you how much I had but I really just don't remember. Probably about 6 or 7 Jack and Cokes. That doesn't count the 2 beers I drank while getting all hoochied up at home. Nor any shots that were purchased for me. Then "the guy I'm dating" took me home and really just worked me out. I mean MAN was it wild! We barely made it upstairs to his bedroom. Luckily we finally made it up the stairs and then just really kept the neighbors up though because we went out on his balcony and got pretty crazy out there. It was so funny though because he peed off his balcony instead of just going inside to the bathroom! He was like "Watch out! I'm gonna pee on a rat!" The pee arched really far and I just sat on beside him while he stood there and laughed! Then I passed out after watching a really funny infomercial on sex toys. Then I got up Saturday morning, picked my clothes up off the bottom steps of his stairs, had some mimosas and went to my friend's house. I then went out with my girlfriends to the pool and proceeded to drink an entire bottle of vodka! It was so funny because my friend who is in a wheelchair was there and we were using his wheelchair to run at the pool and throw our bodies into the water. Then I walked all the way to eat sushi at the Rack and by this time I really don't remember but it was pretty funny! Then I kind of blacked out but my friends told me it was really a riot when I threw my empty glass of ice down the stairs at the bar and screamed "I'm ready to go home!". Sunday was spent with lots of Tylenol and sleep. So yeah… that's what I remember of my weekend. How was yours?

Bastards.

For the Adored Ones - Unrequited love advice

So I don't know how I come across these crazy articles but I had to share in light of all of my previous "relationships". This guy is too funny! The article is written to the "Adored Ones" and gives them tips/advice on unrequited love. I fear I may have stumbled along something all of my ex's have read and apparently live by... the last paragraph is quiet meaningful to me. I'll be a little more cautious next time I get invited for a weekend away, hmmm....

"For the Adored Ones: So, somebody you know has started acting strangely. It appears that they may be falling in love with you. I probably don't have to tell you that such a situation is completely unacceptable. This person simply cannot be allowed to care about your well-being and happiness without suffering the consequences. After all, if you let things get out of control, they may eventually try to express themselves, and who among us really wants to have somebody looking out for us, acting happy to be in our company, doing favors and so on. Here's a little advice for making sure your adorer remains confused and directionless. Be forewarned, though: in a worst-case scenerio, it may even be neccessary for you to destroy them utterly.

Even though you are both completely aware of the situation, you must go to great lengths to avoid talking about it. After all, even the slightest acknowledgement of their feelings would be tantamount to saying "I'm in love with you, too, let's run away together". You wouldn't want them to get any ideas.

As often as possible, describe in detail how much you wish you could find a partner who is the absolute opposite of your adorer.

• This is not to be confused with describing how much you wish you could find a partner who is exactly like your adorer. While suitably tortuous, this behavior typically comes much earlier in the non-relationship. Chances are high that you have already done this many times, and it may in fact have been a contributing factor in the development of your current dilemma.

Before becoming aware of this person's loathsome feelings of tenderness you may have occasionally flirted or complimented them. In order to undo some of the damage this may have caused, you may wish to become distant. There are actually two ways to go about this. The simpler is an immediate and complete cutoff. Treat them coldly, show no interest in conversation, and make occasional criticisms or thinly-veiled insults.

The second method for becoming distant and reversing past kindnesses is an unpredictable and disorienting variation in the nature of your interactions. Be inconsistant in how you treat the baffling individual who seems to have devoted themself to you. This keeps them guessing enough that you don't have to worry that they're falling deeper, and may lead to less guilt on your part since you are not being constantly cruel. Some examples and guidelines:

• Try greeting them enthusiastically one day and with complete boredom or disinterest the next.
• Say or do something thoughtful or sweet, thus encouraging your adorer to think that you do, in fact, value their friendship. Follow this up within a couple days with a callous remark; an off-handed delivery will lend it the most impact. Some sort of statement which implies that they are wholly extraneous to your daily routine should provide a good contrast to prior instances where you went out of your way for them.
• Physical contact is perhaps your greatest weapon. The tiniest of touches are most likely of a near-intoxicating character for your adorer. Pepper your interactions with touch very sparingly to make sure each is considered incomparably precious. You may want to knock them off-guard with something tremendous like a fervent embrace, or an extended head-scratching session, or by dancing closer than a "friend" would. Then, in a difficult time, when they clearly need the reassuring hand of a friend, neglect to offer it; shrink back or respond in a lifeless manner if they initiate contact uninvited.
• It's difficult to say what the most effective ratio of nasty to nice treatment is. This will depend on the exact nature and history of the non-relationship, so you will have to use your best judgement.

Having their unconditional love thrown thanklessly back in their face may be a pretty painful experience for the whelp. It's quite possible that once your lack of interest is established you could ease their suffering tremendously by offering a sympathetic hug, or making it clear that you care deeply for them despite not wanting a romance, or by allowing the friendship to grow closer and more meaningful over the next few weeks. Obviously, they do not deserve such comforts, so make sure you avoid even these smallest gestures of compassion.

In the unlikely event that you think you may be interested in your adorer, allow them to become as optimistic as they wish, even while you harbor doubts. Invite them to visit you for a weekend. Then, after they've made a bus trip of a few hundred miles, go out and have fun, but make sure not to touch them or otherwise make any moves. This technique has the potential to be quite devastating. Use with caution."
-Steve-o Stonebraker

Old blog..."I still got it" Dec 2005

Soooo I'm doing some Christmas shopping at Best Buy - which means I bought two DVDs for gifts and then bought a whole bunch of Ipod accessories for myself. I'm walking to my truck in the parking lot and some guy walks up to me. He was probably about later 30's or early 40s... had a scraggily beard, univ florida gators hat on, tight jeans, and some hideous leather jacket that looked like it probably came from the Wal-mart. I'm a little surprised when he walks up to me. "Excuse me" he says and I'm thinking this guy needs directions so I'm like "Yes?". He then tells me that I'm a very attractive woman. Well duh I knew this so I was like thanks and kept walking. hehehe.. i'm funny. Anyway, to my dismay he asks me if I'd be interested in going out on a date with him which I hastily lie and tell him I'm seriously involved with someone- all the while thinking "keep walking keep walking keep walking truck is twenty yards away keep walking!" He then says oh well thanks and I tell him thank you for making my day. I'm such a bitch. Anyway - I'm about 10 yards away from my truck now and he walks up again and says "I don't want to seem to forward, but would you be interested in having a threesome?"...ahhh yes just let that sink in for a minute.... yep a total fucking stranger asked me if I'd be interested in having a threesome. I was so shocked I was just like umm No but thanks and continued hauling ass to my truck. Unfortunately he was an eager beaver and although he was about a foot shorter than me he was able to keep up with my ass hauling. Damnit. He asks, "So have you ever had a threesome???" --"no."--- "so you don't like girls, only guys?" ---"no - only guys sorry" 5 yards from truck... "Oh well what about me and your boyfriend"... Holy fucking shit this guy is a total perv! i say sorry but no I'd kill 'em. Oops wrong choice of words - he was like you'd kill two guys? you are that good??? And i immediately regret that I said that b/c it isn't what I meant - I meant I would kill my imaginary boyfriend for willingly having a threesome. Yuck. I try to backpeddle and explain this to the guy but he doesn't seem to get it. Lord he finally gives up about 20 feet from my truck and leaves me alone. See these are the type of guys I pick up - not hot young professional men but total slime balls. I'm not sure if I should be insulted or not...I mean wow- do I really look like the type of girl that would willingly have a 3some with some old sleezeball?? Yep- I still got it.