For the Adored Ones - Unrequited love advice

So I don't know how I come across these crazy articles but I had to share in light of all of my previous "relationships". This guy is too funny! The article is written to the "Adored Ones" and gives them tips/advice on unrequited love. I fear I may have stumbled along something all of my ex's have read and apparently live by... the last paragraph is quiet meaningful to me. I'll be a little more cautious next time I get invited for a weekend away, hmmm....

"For the Adored Ones: So, somebody you know has started acting strangely. It appears that they may be falling in love with you. I probably don't have to tell you that such a situation is completely unacceptable. This person simply cannot be allowed to care about your well-being and happiness without suffering the consequences. After all, if you let things get out of control, they may eventually try to express themselves, and who among us really wants to have somebody looking out for us, acting happy to be in our company, doing favors and so on. Here's a little advice for making sure your adorer remains confused and directionless. Be forewarned, though: in a worst-case scenerio, it may even be neccessary for you to destroy them utterly.

Even though you are both completely aware of the situation, you must go to great lengths to avoid talking about it. After all, even the slightest acknowledgement of their feelings would be tantamount to saying "I'm in love with you, too, let's run away together". You wouldn't want them to get any ideas.

As often as possible, describe in detail how much you wish you could find a partner who is the absolute opposite of your adorer.

• This is not to be confused with describing how much you wish you could find a partner who is exactly like your adorer. While suitably tortuous, this behavior typically comes much earlier in the non-relationship. Chances are high that you have already done this many times, and it may in fact have been a contributing factor in the development of your current dilemma.

Before becoming aware of this person's loathsome feelings of tenderness you may have occasionally flirted or complimented them. In order to undo some of the damage this may have caused, you may wish to become distant. There are actually two ways to go about this. The simpler is an immediate and complete cutoff. Treat them coldly, show no interest in conversation, and make occasional criticisms or thinly-veiled insults.

The second method for becoming distant and reversing past kindnesses is an unpredictable and disorienting variation in the nature of your interactions. Be inconsistant in how you treat the baffling individual who seems to have devoted themself to you. This keeps them guessing enough that you don't have to worry that they're falling deeper, and may lead to less guilt on your part since you are not being constantly cruel. Some examples and guidelines:

• Try greeting them enthusiastically one day and with complete boredom or disinterest the next.
• Say or do something thoughtful or sweet, thus encouraging your adorer to think that you do, in fact, value their friendship. Follow this up within a couple days with a callous remark; an off-handed delivery will lend it the most impact. Some sort of statement which implies that they are wholly extraneous to your daily routine should provide a good contrast to prior instances where you went out of your way for them.
• Physical contact is perhaps your greatest weapon. The tiniest of touches are most likely of a near-intoxicating character for your adorer. Pepper your interactions with touch very sparingly to make sure each is considered incomparably precious. You may want to knock them off-guard with something tremendous like a fervent embrace, or an extended head-scratching session, or by dancing closer than a "friend" would. Then, in a difficult time, when they clearly need the reassuring hand of a friend, neglect to offer it; shrink back or respond in a lifeless manner if they initiate contact uninvited.
• It's difficult to say what the most effective ratio of nasty to nice treatment is. This will depend on the exact nature and history of the non-relationship, so you will have to use your best judgement.

Having their unconditional love thrown thanklessly back in their face may be a pretty painful experience for the whelp. It's quite possible that once your lack of interest is established you could ease their suffering tremendously by offering a sympathetic hug, or making it clear that you care deeply for them despite not wanting a romance, or by allowing the friendship to grow closer and more meaningful over the next few weeks. Obviously, they do not deserve such comforts, so make sure you avoid even these smallest gestures of compassion.

In the unlikely event that you think you may be interested in your adorer, allow them to become as optimistic as they wish, even while you harbor doubts. Invite them to visit you for a weekend. Then, after they've made a bus trip of a few hundred miles, go out and have fun, but make sure not to touch them or otherwise make any moves. This technique has the potential to be quite devastating. Use with caution."
-Steve-o Stonebraker