How was my weekend? Go to hell!

I can't take it anymore… It's unbearable. Why?????????????? Why do I have to endure this? For me… being asked "how was your weekend" is synonymous to Chinese water torture. I do not want to tell you about my weekend. And likely, you do not want to know about my weekend. What you WANT is for me to ask you how YOUR weekend was. And this dear idiotic friend is NOT something I care about, ever cared about, and frankly EVER wants to care about. It does not interest me. I do not want to know about how you rented the movie "Garden State" and isn't that Zach guy just so funny? And you saw him on the show Scrubs and he's just hysterical really. And then how you went to bed early Friday night because it was going to be such - SUCH a busy Saturday. So then you woke up Saturday and oh you know, you went to Home Depot because you are really trying to do some nice renovations and repaint the house and do I want to see the colors you have picked out? And then your parents were coming over to meet your boyfriend and you for dinner and so first you had to vacuum the house and you accidentally vacuumed up your earring and oh it took you forever to figure out how to get that out of the vacuum and THANK GOD for your fabulous boyfriend who knows how to tear open a vacuum bag! So like then anyways, your parents came over and dinner was so good but not as good as the last time you cooked roasted lamb and then you had 3 glasses of wine oh my gosh and went to church on Sunday and then had to help your best friend lick 250 wedding invitations and blah blah blah blah… Kill. Me. Now.

I don't want to hear this. I do not care. Why do they torture me? Why? Why? I am going to start telling people my weekends in vivid detail. I wonder if they will quit asking me how my weekend was. Hi, Eli…how was your weekend? (As they stare at me expectantly… begging me with their eyes to ask about their weekend)

OH HOW WAS MY WEEKEND??? I'M SOOO GLAD YOU ASKED! Wellll, first I left work and went straight home to change into something that I just KNEW would drive "the guy I'm dating" wild… really low cut top and these super tight jeans! (Because I really want him to just want me so baaad tonight you know??! I mean hopefully this will convince him to be like we are boyfriend/girlfriend instead of just "dating" you know???) So then I went to the bar and proceeded to drink entirely way too much - I'd tell you how much I had but I really just don't remember. Probably about 6 or 7 Jack and Cokes. That doesn't count the 2 beers I drank while getting all hoochied up at home. Nor any shots that were purchased for me. Then "the guy I'm dating" took me home and really just worked me out. I mean MAN was it wild! We barely made it upstairs to his bedroom. Luckily we finally made it up the stairs and then just really kept the neighbors up though because we went out on his balcony and got pretty crazy out there. It was so funny though because he peed off his balcony instead of just going inside to the bathroom! He was like "Watch out! I'm gonna pee on a rat!" The pee arched really far and I just sat on beside him while he stood there and laughed! Then I passed out after watching a really funny infomercial on sex toys. Then I got up Saturday morning, picked my clothes up off the bottom steps of his stairs, had some mimosas and went to my friend's house. I then went out with my girlfriends to the pool and proceeded to drink an entire bottle of vodka! It was so funny because my friend who is in a wheelchair was there and we were using his wheelchair to run at the pool and throw our bodies into the water. Then I walked all the way to eat sushi at the Rack and by this time I really don't remember but it was pretty funny! Then I kind of blacked out but my friends told me it was really a riot when I threw my empty glass of ice down the stairs at the bar and screamed "I'm ready to go home!". Sunday was spent with lots of Tylenol and sleep. So yeah… that's what I remember of my weekend. How was yours?

Bastards.